Can I share with you my most favorite thing about mine and Lj’s love story? Although I couldn’t have predicted it from his mysterious and very quiet demeanor on our first date, Lj and I have the most intellectual intimacy. We can sit and talk for hours, unpacking layers of thought and stimulating a multitude of emotions. I often replay this one night we went out with a group of friends and stopped for hangover food after leaving the club. Now I couldn’t tell you what we were talking about but somehow we got lost in each other while eating cheeseburgers. And I distinctly remember one of our friends yelling from across the room “what the hell do y’all be talking about!?” I bursted into laughter. His sentiments implied that we do that often, escaping into deep ass conversations no matter where we might be. And still til’ this day, I find that to be the most exciting part of our friendship, relationship and marriage. It’s our secret sauce.
Most couples talk about their hopes dreams and ambitions with each other. They make for great first date conversation and provide an exciting platform to run off in wild “what ifs” and “I can’t waits.” That dialogue comes easy and often feels exhilarating. But if you asked me which conversations truly build a rock solid foundation, it’s the ones that don’t come so easy. The ones that sometimes feel everything but exhilarating. And while the rocks are hard, occasionally unexpected, and almost always uncomfortable in some way or shape, they’re also equally necessary. For some, the rocks may look different but in our relationship, here are the ones we credit our foundation to:
Religion
Growing up, I was always taught the person I choose to marry should be “equally yoked” with me. I didn’t truly understand what that meant until I started dating. And dating some unequally yoked characters at that. I quickly realized how important it was for me to be with someone who shared values, beliefs and foundational principles that were similar to mine. And though “what religion do you practice” was never a direct question in my book of “get to know you’s”, there always came a moment where I assessed the role God played in my prospective partner’s life. When that time came with Lj, oh the relief and comfort I felt to know we were rooted in the same ideologies. As we got more serious, so did our discussions about God, the church and our perspective on what a healthy spiritual relationship looks like. From there, we’ve had our come to Jesus moments, shared what our journeys have been and explored what we hope they’ll become. Alignment is our ultimate goal, but understanding, mutual respect and acceptance was what we chose to seek first. Our spirituality has been a guiding light for our relationship, clarity amidst confusion and confirmation in some truly tough seasons. Of all the things we opened up about before committing ourselves to one another indefinitely, this was the most paramount to me.
Finances
One of life’s biggest stressors in a relationship is money. And for two people who didn’t grow up with a ton of it, we both came into our relationship FRUGAL. After a few awkward dating moments regarding our spending, and in making the call to live together, we attacked the finance conversation head first. We first started by learning each other’s position on the value of money. And though our positions are slightly different in certain regards, we unpacked what “comfortable” and “compromise” looks Iike for each other. Together, we set budgets, opened shared and unshared accounts, carved out opportunity for individual, unregulated free spend, established savings goals and agreed to being accountability partners in the event either of us drifts into wasteful territory. I’m so grateful we unlocked this box within that first year of exclusivity. Though our annual family budget meeting often gets intense, we’ve yet to argue over money and I do not take that gift for granted. Love of money is the root of all evil and can quickly become the devil in a marriage. So, I pray for our financial obedience often and ask God that our relationship with money is forever grounded in and favored by Him. Watching others spending habits can sometimes feel tempting and influence us to make financial decisions we wouldn’t normally make. But because we’ve made a habit of these types of conversations, we can very quickly and without much fuss, get each other back on track with our own spending goals and beliefs.
Love Language
This one’s grown in popularity over the years and it makes me so happy when I hear people speak to their language and the language of those they love. Lj and I took the “5 Love Languages” test our first year of dating, and have remained invested in understanding each other in that way ever since. As we were planning our wedding, we even took a deep dive into the book. It was important to me that I understand his need for quality time with me, uninterrupted by others . As someone who had a pretty vibrant social life and a really close relationship with my mom and my sisters, I often found myself easily losing consciousness of the intentional time I spent pouring into him. Understanding his language more deeply helped me see the necessity in finding the balance and our relationship is much healthier because if it! The same could be said for his journey in learning my languages (plural because I have 2 tied for first place lmao). You’ll frequently hear him complementing me or offering to knock a task off my to-do list. And while the former came super easy to him (I’m so grateful for a man who’s giving with his words) the latter took time. But we work at it every day, seeking to understand and accepting there is no end date in which we’ll finally have it all figured out. Rather it’s a journey we’ve embarked on together, evolving as each other grows. Recently, we stumbled upon the apology languages and that has unlocked a whole new level of exploration for us. If you haven’t already, get into it!
Kids
This one is big. And it was actually an inevitable conversation for us given Lj came to the table with my bonus baby already earth side. Lucky for him, I’ve always wanted kids. A whole gang of them honestly. I still remember the day his dad asked how many and I very confidently responded with “5!“ I’ve since decided otherwise, but the confidence in that moment was only my reality because we’d talked about kids and growing a family before that moment. And it’s a continued conversation in our home as our lives, dreams and ambitions grow and change. A pain I never wish on anyone is falling in love and marrying to find out one person in the relationship wants kids and the other doesn’t. The responsibility of creating and raising life is lofty and eternal; I passionately believe both parties have to be bought in to that notion in order to build a safe and happy home. And while there’s a chance a person could change their position later in life, should they not, is the current position something the other can live with? If you ask me, bringing children into the world is a complex and deeply personal discussion best suited before the forever commitment so not to live a life of hope unfulfilled.
Past Trauma
Feeling uncomfortable yet? Maybe it’s just me, but I find myself adjusting in my seat when I hear the t word. Something about the hurt that follows makes me retreat internally and I have to quickly remind myself that healing can only come from acknowledgment of the hurt. We all have trauma and it all looks different. How it’s impacted us will look different too. But one truth we all share is that our trauma of the past has shaped who we are today. And if you sit in that fact for a second, it almost feels essential that our partner understands why we’ve become who we are, no? I know for me, trauma was the piece of my life I would’ve buried in my deepest depths and never unpacked if I could. And my therapist is still working with me to release what I refuse to uncover. But in my relationship, burying did us more of a disservice than it did protecting my comfort. There’s so much clarity and self identification that comes with sharing monumental (and simultaneously, painful) experiences. While not every human is deserving or worthy of the vulnerability, i’d argue your partner falls in a qualified category. Making space for them to better understand those distressing and immense moments in your life only better prepares them to love you in the way you need them to. So if it helps, think of it as an act of self love. Because that’s essentially what expression is. And once I accepted that truth and began letting Lj in, the act became more natural. There’s a layer of me only Lj will ever understand because I lowered that wall. How special is it that only one other human in this world knows me that deeply and can love me that uniquely?
Alright friends, I think that touches all of our biggest rocks. While I appreciate the laughs, the understanding and the connection our conversations have brought us, the best way they’ve served Lj and me is by opening up dialogue about topics that often prove to be mountains in relationships. I’ll never pretend like all of these conversations were easy or without disagreement and discomfort. But because we created a safe place for the hard stuff early on, we experienced the benefit of not having to fight those battles after “I do.” And let me tell you, I’d have it no other way. Not only did it allow us to share our deal breakers with each other, it gave us a chance to make a call on the legitimacy of our infatuation with one another.
As I’ve grown, I’ve come to understand what works in my relationship may not work in someone else’s! And while I feel passionate about the way Lj and I have approached setting our marriage up for forever , I completely respect where that may look different for others. Regardless of the differences, I’m rooting for you and yours, for them and theirs and for anyone who may find it hard to root for themselves right now. I hope unpacking some of these things serves you in even better ways than it’s served us! May your love be blessed!
